my phone needs a breathalizer
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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