I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Can Purell be used as lube?
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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