Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
