it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Randomize
