Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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