he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
