It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
i believe in u and ur pee
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
