two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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