And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
