i already hear my dad disowning me
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Randomize
