last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
