I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
