Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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