u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
