Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
