when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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