who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Randomize
