I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
