I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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