wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
