I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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