I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Randomize
