I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
