i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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