You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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