dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
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