Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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