i jhust puked up my retainher.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
