i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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