Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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