I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
