Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
