So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
