Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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