lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Randomize
