her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
this just has baby written all over it
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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