can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
