Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
