i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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