the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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