i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
