So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
