That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
