I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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