I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
