I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
