I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
