Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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