I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
