Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
