Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
